Success

Scared to death
of success
I don't know if I can
handle it
Money in the hand
makes me nervous
Committing to one thing
Makes me feel worthless
(and exposed)

I feel guilty if I'm happy
I have so many hurting friends.
I run from God cuz
I don't like that He might make demands.
I'm scared to death
of falling in love;
I write love songs so
I can laugh at myself for my silliness
And get in control.

And if you liked me because I was pretty
Or you talked to me cuz my songs
or plans were cool
Well, I don't want to let you down,
But I'm gonna let you down
I don't want that kind of attention
What is love at all if
You don't know the mess inside.

Conscious or self-conscious,
saboteur.

Sailor

After Mar Adentro

"A sailor went to sea"
See, smoke swirls calmly
the moment after
Rose, the thorn that breaks
a balloon
The hired help, the sea drowning
Float silent, neck trauma
Who are you? Savior?
The one born of flesh
Rosa, multi-foliate
Blooms
Full of grace
Beautiful petals
Love sans sex
Without the possibility
Love without doubt,
True love? (or only word love
something called love incarnate)
The law pertains to the spiritual
The courts and the wounds of the mind
The cage between the temples
The bird hope, hoping
For the exhale that snuffs the candle
Father, I commend my spirit to the empitness

Hey there sailor,
so far away amongst stars
Where you going Earendil?
How much time between the blinks of your eyes
Leading the captives in his refrain over the waves
My life in hell
The book says
You don't stop to think about how we love you,
That I, frustrated woman that I am,
Have the hope of living
Of seeing you again,
My son. My love.

Julia amongst the leaves
That which is possible
He closed the door, close your mouth
Against love's kiss.
Kiss death.
Close the book
Close the law

And at the end, how does it feel?
Did you live according to the flesh?
Why not write a flood of poems?
Don't you have another
For another day?
That you desire an end
This I understand
But possibilities in hand
I always think of what might possibly
I'm confused
Why leave?

Julia is sick.
She forgot everything the paper in front of her eyes
She doesn't feel I don't feel anything
Only absence

Stretch sails over a cross
A little foam on the pen
Under your neck, Sailor
A pillow of foam
Dead gladiator on the sand fighting death
You wrote the pain that
Life wasn't worth it
You died so we could die
In peace, with dignity
You didn't leave us here alone?
No.
I wait for wind's blow.

Thanks, Give (ing)

I.
Remember, remember, we ate together
Before we conquered and sent you away
Give thanks for the progress, the triumphs,
Don't show reservations
Give thanks for our enlightened reign.

II.
God thanks for the feast,
Thanks that I'm not POOR and starving like those [BLACK] people in Africa,
or HOMELESS somewhere on the street.
Don't forget about them neither.
Thanks for the pie and the peace of mind.

III.
Remember, remember, we ate together,
Before we grew up and moved away
Give thanks for the money, the successes,
Don't show hesitations
Give thanks for memories, they're what we have left.

IV.
God thanks for turkeys, they're funny-looking,
But they sure do taste alright,
Thanks for donations, thanks for kids,
Don't do that, don't throw your leftovers in the trash
Has no one told you you're homeless?

V.
Remember, remember, we sat together
Before we laid hands on to pray
Give thanks for the time, for the friends we've had.
Don't believe limitations.
Give thanks for provisions and praise.

VI.
God thanks for miracles,
Thanks that I'm poor and starving like those rich people on the tv
and the politicians and kings.
Don't show me satisfaction or praise,
But mercy, Lord, have mercy.

What mercy that I have something ! have something to eat
To share with someone in need.

VII.
Remember, remember, we ate together,
Taking the flatbread and wine.
Give thanks for the daily salvations and praise
For the winds and the hummingbirds and waves.
For song! For love! For life!
Thanks, give.

Delivering Dirt

After Blood Diamond, Beyonce, and St. Ambrose

"If you liked it you should have put a ring on it"

"The poor mine gold, but they are not allowed to keep it"

Delivering dirt pull the guts from the earth and
All that glitters is stone
All that glistens is blood
Sweat the little sweatshop things,
Knife (the threat, the self-hate, the robbery)
Tears, torn clothes, I'm right there with the homeless
I want to check out on things
(I'm not tempted but I understand the bud and the huff)
At least maybe then my hands
Would be clean
Of the money
Implications of global greed society
(I like bananas and I love Guatemala I want to support the people
But not the fruit companies)

Silver, Gold, Diamonds, pretty anniversaries,
I don't think I'll ever be able to give you these things,
I hope you understand (why I react)

"You dig up gold from the mines, only to bury it again.
How many lives did you bury with it? "

I don't know who made my shoes
and if his family is starving
If he's grateful for my money or screwed
By my purchase I try to
buy less but that doesn't
really change demand much
The cash still flows
Blood diamonds blood oil blood toys
blood guns blood government
blood nation everything is
red (between the lines of unspoken
histories--Sex Money Murder L'il Wayne reppin' blood)
white (washed by the myths and
the press and the left out)
blue world of bruise
eagle fist to the face, (speak softly and carry grenades)

love is steel, those who live by the sword the machine gun and endless words
I'll make you a etched ring of steel someday,
(love is cold and modern and bourgeoise)
If it would last, I'd prefer a string,
love is like that, a fragile reminder,
holding us loosely, setting us free
set us free from the ball and chain mentality
and the money the money the money
and the earth is labour and raw materials
and we'll deliver the poor return to sender this bloody mess
baby in a little black box, a pile of flesh and
blood and stone and dirt.

Mer

Push seaweed hair back past your green flash mermaid-pursed corneas
So I can sea through the scales and dark swells.
Sharks would mince us alive
Or maybe my pride
We're swirling round solar spin machine
Conducting opposite poles of electricity
Losing the score, keeping sore, washing the past,
Merry-pole-may-go-round,
Every time I reach round
Your kelp hair flings back out of town
(Kelp me. Hair for me. No-nevermind I'm scar(r)ed.)
Cheers, we're on the tipping scales in our hands, knees bent,
Tottering on the edge of commitments
Teetering towards pseudo-relationships
Swinging out past the edge with our feet in the air
Wondering if this time around we'll lose our
slip on our common board surf,
decay out of orbit and
bruise our hard tailbone hearts and
  scatter sawdust waves in the run for a lunar-faced mom.

All Finches Go to Seed

Cupped head in a half-lemon 
Even though I shouldn't compost flesh
Cross myself, a little reverence
As I lay you in the grass
Maggots roll you over in your bed

You'll never fly again my little omen
Gold cap on a stately grey crest
You'll never open up curious eyes
To see the soil become a garden

I will see you in flowers
I will see you in the sunlight upon them

Oh little phoenix
Will you rise again?
You're far too small for such
a grand thing as heaven.

God please open up a gate, a little crack in the fence
For me and my tiny feathered friend
My shrill twits and all the things I believe
Aren't the kind of songs to sing on Golden ave.
So when you lay me in the earth
Let me wake up close to ground
A little sand, some trees, the flowers, the compost heap
And new wings for the friend I've found.

Giedre's Song

All the people here work in boxes
They watch their boxes when they get home
Then they sleep on top of box springs
In little box rooms
The little beep box screams to wake up
With its little black block numerals
Then take a shower in the wash box
And grab a box of cereal

It's off to work in the
Cracker box train subway in the tubes in the ground
Or behind the wheel of your boxcar
the lights blink off and on
Before your eyes
All these cubicles and classrooms
Desks and pens and squares of tree-skin
Work all day for another paper for your box:
Diploma or a bank account.

And meanwhile the trees stretch restless and chaotic
Sighing with season's change
The animals are singing all around
The squawks and tweets and cooing sounds
Your smooth curved frame and fretted brow
Will never fit
In this eight million box town

All our box brains
and matchbox cathedrals
Boxed dinners
Our 24-box days and 30-some box moons
Could never hold the sun, a mouse
or your heart
or the Spirit
The world a whirl of wind and leaves and lives
That has no box sense, nor sense of proper time
It nips and blows at our ankles and chests
With its quarky, atomic, explosive, pulsing relativity
River runs, life runs
in a deeper stream

Pink Glasses Impractical

You called me pink glasses impractical
"Say what?"
"Dreamer." I certainly hope so.
I hope to swirl skyblues in the afternoon slant
stickletter brushes beneath my qwerting fingers stream
See the wind wisp the marshmallow creme clouds,
it's beautiful in here, see the pop rocks holding your feet
close and hear my voice rapids right beside you
the world is so poetic, I hope to cup its glow in my palms
for you.

So Sings My Heart (Collage)

Tavim kvėpuoju aš
Tus manos clavadas
Tus pies heridos
Señor Jesucristo,
Hijo de Dios,
ten piedad de mí
pecador.
Ateikit ištroškę,
Ateikit silpni.
Come, take and eat.
Awake my soul.
Viešpatie ateik.
Viešpatie ateik.
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes,
And what if You'd sing me alive?

Открой мое сердце Господь мой
Porque todo lo que hay dentro de mi,
Necesita ser cambiado Señor
I don't want to be the same.
Господи, prefiero orar como esto,
no quiero parecer
exposed.
I felt the Lord begin
To peel off all my skin,
And I felt the way within
Revealed a bigger mess.
Tomame, abrazame, I will wait on
You my King separator, sustainer
Find me here, speak to me.
O Dvasia ateik здесь ven
aquí I need Thee oh I need Thee
Eres mi torre, as he takes me
by the hand, con Él yo voy. Tantas voces
adentro de mi corazón they sing your
glories. Господи спаси и сохрани.
The nails in your hands.
Viešpatie Jėzau Kristau,
Dievo Sūnau,
pasigailėk manęs nusidėjelio.
The nails in your feet.
I'm gonna leave You the first chance I get,
sweet pursuer, don't let go.
No me dejas, esperaré
Господи,
Иисусе Христе,
Сыне Божий,
помилуй мя грешнаго.
I don't know how to say I need You and mean it.
I don't know how to say I love You and let it be true.
I don't know how to say I'm both desperate and terrified.
That I love You and I believe You (mostly) that's why I want to run away.
Come Lord Jesus Come, go ahead please fight me.
I want to see, I want to sing, but the words aren't enough alone,
Lord Jesus Christ,
Have mercy on me,
a sinner.
Viešpatie ateik.
Viešpatie ateik.
Breathe me.

Twomind Everythings

Hello, please show, some vague romantic interest
because I want connection very badly and I'm not into sex
but romance is the easiest pretend-to-be-friends, it's easier to find
find a handhold, I'm a practical friendfloozy I just want to feel okay
I'm trying to escape mistakefears and the Godcallings on me
I just want to be normalish I want to wreck my life:
find a girl and make her my
wife, get children, debt and other ties because then I would have
a valid excuse
for the not trying so hard to change the world.

this idea of heavenme is an awful thing
I want to find the place past knowing
me and learn just to be.
I see twomind everythings, I could job
slanderings or critiques I always can find
the problemthings.

Forgive me that I've forgotten how to be impressed,
(I always see reasons)
I've known so many lovely people, more importantly
the ideaman in my head can imagine
a so-much-betterme,
and you'd never live up to those expectandards
in other words,
if you really knew me, and saw things,
you wouldn't want to be around me;
If you were the one,
you wouldn't need me.

Grey Seasky Memories

There are about a hundred people in this poem.
I would never tell you all this, I never could it's too complicated.
Sometimes life's a beach
Or a blank drive-by screen.

Sky stretches underneath--poised--with--
dashes--and...ellipses...and boomerangs
of sand it's all one and the same smoother out
the skywave wetsand
It's not wonderful it's plain grayn
and overwhelming shlugs of
ambivalence yellowflower-seawheat
How to run so fast, Sandpiper friend,
on just one leg?
Cirrus flies left, puffy sheep stream south
simultaneously, passing trains on the city
overpass pirouette while the clams dig deep rhythm to the crab clap drums
in the roadside rumble bumps and watering pot-holes.
Is this that well-traveled drainage stream a thousand miles from me,
we speak of everything, we rest on the bike bridge, all my closest friends and me.
We build pyramids and castle drips, guards and walls, defy the waves.
My Sandpaper girl strides forward polygone, control resolute;
sorting the sand into powerlessnesswalls and bridgepains,
angersand flung splatterside to the passing wind and waves

"I can help you with that sail"
"No thanks"
Rusty nail in the phone conversation
Shooting myself in the foot,
In my mouth the waves are choking me clean;
Signs and fences in the sand, seaweedhead
"Don't you ever think it's time to tresspass?"
I wish more people would stumble into me like
crash a speedbump that they'd linger a second, slow down with me.
I'm twirled violently in the washingmachine waves
Sput up next photographer from Stockton taking pictures of a timely hourglass
and her pretty friend, I might be back, I just want a friend,
don't ignore me please, walk away Brigantine.

Running twilight stretches mirrorsky sand the grey'slost windsweep
The stars and streetlights beneath my flee-fleet feet memoryflit
flutterby scuttleby crabs running before me scattering the room doorslam
trying to outrun the Garden State and all it means, but still more, me.
Can I crash ashore to a t-shirt and tea? Another fenceline in the chest.
The grey gleam nifelifelite cutting into peaces the box-sand/snowglobes of sandwalks past
where ice looks neatserene I bleed birthward in the breeze this is OBX
below freezing, flirting with waves we're in Jax on the pier waiting for the Future
to tidal wave towards as you pass security tide red glows green "good-bye" nightscreen
we dance and we're out at piersedge pacific
(-ing our dreams with breakup morphine) busy signal
I'm kissing in drainage tunnels, (dead bodies)
I'm sleeping with strangers on buses at night,
(or dear friends in emergency rooms)
I'm carrying easychair slim silhouette
Static morningfog Ensenada praying on punkrocks
you show me your pictures and cream skin smile
beneath black bangs and bikini
Em wants to experience everything
past the breaking wave running up
sandcliffs your stride so long I start to run to blur everything we're on
the concrete arms outstretched, cup poised on head,
worldwar artillery bunkers in Pensacola/Klaipeda father/brother sisterme, don't kill yourself,
those rocks are so big--I'll help you over you'll pose between ferry gates--they'll
cut your feet, O'side bonfire, mercy I'll pray over you,
eye runaway you're on that big sloped wall looking out to sea your hair tossed sailaway in the
southbound train breeze towel turban covered Moscow cobblestone beach
the bridges the blonde bob tapping out fingertip dreams...
I'm throwing mud at you flirting, but you hardly notice me, we're talking
about the demons you see while Mikey and Justy jump off of things, you're talking
about living in sunsets and I'm spinning
and singing Existence again ten year stream sing, it's the way I know how to pray this
painmemory away into the skysea
sing poseidony God (clammit) swallow me in
crashing curls forget me and the melodybreeze let me
lose sandbreeze[me]skysea.

My whole life crumbling saltine eyeward and sea.
I'm back breathing, digging toes deep, alone in the greys at Brigantine.

La Vía

Siguendo--espero que
La vía sea clara
Quiero seguirte,
conocerte.
Esperando, quisiera que
vinieras pronto.
Segundo, si ellos
me persiguen-
tengo dudas.
¿Te seguiré?
Seguro que no estoy seguro
en mi mente,
Seguro que - segundo - no estoy
siguéndote como debo.
Cuidado, cuidame que no falte,
que no pierda yo
la vía.
Trataré de poner mis pies en
sus pasos
Pasando tras el mundo
en la busqueda
de su vía-
la vía-
Tú.

Listen

n' e list:
sel'n it
n' t' lies
net lis
ten LIs
es til'n
en stil
ne stil
slit in
el isn't
is lent
te nils
tiles n
lit ens
slit en
mosaic
es lit n
L is net
L isn't I
meet
L en t' Is

Silent.

Listen.

Silence.

Actress

And today
Will you be the cut lost girl?
The lipstick collected acting queen?
The eyebrows driven intellectual?
The hair flip girly gone shopping?

No, today you waffle between the
shadowed couch corner self-doubt
and swirl glass drop eyes stuttered
half-confessions you are sure I don't
want to hear it, trying to spill,
stopping short crumple thought of hope
or unfolding past pain and throw it away
"i'm just being stupid"
almost cry out. almost speak.
rinse (eyes). repeat.
   

Historical Memory 101

Put all the Jews in museums and Zions
and mass graves
Not our problem
Deny asylum deny holocaust
we're the good guys by association
we're all the good guys
who perpetrate or eat popcorn through genocides
Poor them thank the Lord it's not me
our knee-jerk reactions won't get our
nails dirty-send money-watch movies-sell
a bracelet.

Gather

Gather all your buckets
And put them in meadow
Catch the rain, catch the rain,
Can you catch it on your tongue?

Gather up the dirt to dam
The rivers in the road
Watch erosion cut away
The walls that we've called home

Gather all the dewy stems
Of sorrel, clover, dandelion
Catch a salad in your hands
And picnic in the road

Gather up your candles
Shut the breakers down a while
Feed a roaring bonfire a branch
Feel the dewdrops on your toes

Hear the quiet
Let it go
Set your feet
To the road

Gather up the swirling sea
Into a sushi roll
Gather up the breeze
Into a sailsong we can bellow

Gather all the sand to glass
Curl it as you blow
Twirl the gulls, catch the wind
Let go Let go let go

Catch the music
Let it flow
Set your eyes
To the sunglow

Gather up your bags
Throw it all out, save for one
You don't get a carry-on
When the dusty trail is done

Gather up your friends
Into their beds beneath the soil
Ezekiel can these dry bones dance
Lord You alone can know

Roots and Blood, Wars and Words

In this bone-haunted wood
the trees remember what no film can conjure,
Cruelties and casualties
Bullets lodged in heartwood, festering, remembering
The holes have closed
But the memories, the haunted stones filled with
the names triplets of crosses for fallen
Deutscher from Memel, an eerie reminder of the
names the faces the families and how many
Kohlers and Roths and Bergers killed or
waited in cellars when the armies
came my friend's grandmother had
a Jewish name and a cousin in the SS that's why
she was okay she met her husband a Luftwaffe airman
during the war but another Götting met his death in a Soviet-converted
concentration camp in East Germany in 1953; my friend Misha's
Deduska was one of 20 million from the Mother Country
killed in the highly mismanaged and brutal Great Patriotic
war; down the street the base where the French put in by
League of Nations mandate were kicked out by
the locals the local
assembly later voted all but two votes
to join the Third Reich (pragmatic or ideology) who knows
what Russians and Jews were shot in the
woods the base became a place for
Soviet Tanks changed name Klaipeda
(now University) did they go to Hungary in '56 or
Prague in '68? The place was a German U-boat
base between the nude beach and the
dolphinarium, the cruise ship at port and the pizza place.
The bus of Poles coming did they
drive past Auschwitz? Katyn?
Will they forget? (They conquered Vilnius in the 20s)
My brother was born outside Tokyo
A girl I had hoped to marry was from Dresden
both were firebombed
I stood on the ground at Hiroshima
my father lived near Nagasaki
And 2 million Indians died in that same war how many
Gujarati like my roommate?
My Great-Uncle John lived in a beautiful house with a cupola
near the beach in Orange County and flew in the South Pacific with the
Marines I used to write lists on the ration
paper notebooks that belonged to my great-
grandfathers but my other great-grandmother was the type
who got what she wanted despite the rations
Did the Metelaks in Bohemia turn in their neighbors?
were they themselves sold out in the Sudentenland?
Did they profit from war materiel?
Did they fight as partisans?
This nation, Lithuania, lost 14% of its people,
so did Russia, where I spend the last
week
There is a Soviet memorial to the war
On the other side of town
Russianized Lithuanian names on a stone wall
under a hanging sword and Russians as well

There is so little blood on the land in
America that we remember sacrifices in
Tenochitlán the trail of tears ending in
my state my boyhood home a
cantonment for Andrew Jackson
(on an 1814 trip or on the way to fight the Seminoles?)
And out in the SoCal fields where
my brother and I played the Mexicans
fought Estadounidenses for their homes
And how many Woods and Paines
were Tories or Abolitionists
My ancestors mostly missed the Civil War
Busy in Europe hoping dreaming
of another place without the wars
with opportunities
The girl who house-sat for us here
and I as well plan to live
down the street from the UN
Is there hope for us yet? Or just
more Iraq Afghanistan my Uncle
with shrapnel in his leg and PTSD
My father was a cold war linguist,
My English teacher lost her husband
while he was flying training in
desert sand
Were there Kerrigans in the IRA?
Or perhaps they left with the
potato famine and what were the
Woods and Paynes saying then
about Mcs I was raised singing "From the halls of
Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli" now I hope to live in
Mexico City where a girl with autism
Changed my life and taught me a song.

I cannot help but wonder that if the
Russians, Lithuanians, Poles, and
Americans here at this school can learn to
love one another (and if yes why not the world?)
Or if they will learn to kill again.
Some Poles said after the war that
at least the Nazis had solved their "Jewish
Problem" the Czechs purged their party and
Lithuania by and large went along with the Holocaust
But there was a disobedient Japanese ambassador in Vilnius who didn't
And Oskar Schindler's List, is that enough?
We take our bikes down to the beach past pine needle beds,
70 year old trenches and gun emplacements
but I don't flinch when I hear big guns
they shook the windows of my house where I grew up,
but we were safe some Afghan family
was not so lucky.

How long does it go on?
How can we keep from doing this again?

Christ the Saviour

The metal detector--
I'm confused about the nature
of Holy ground
God looks sternly down in a swirl of
blues and souls and rose-winged
angels

And I hope you're behind the iconostasis
I wish you'd come out
Gold and marble seems to tie you to
the earth the stories--
Baptism--blessing--I mount the
heights ascension pentecost but
when I reach the top my heart
falls infinity has a limit and
I sink down to the catacombs
Truly the artist's brush is full of
your kavod or was he a proud
cocky womanizer , a rich empty philosophizer,
Or a doubting saint hoping the tips of his
brush would touch the God beyond
domed ceiling

They keep you behind a wall of gold--
I think I'd be a communist too--
I can't see the man behind the
curtain I want to
However, Holies, I try to cross
myself best keep that wall between
you and me
I'd be burnt up

Я не могу видеть здесь,
Am at once humbled and rebellious
cynical and hopeful
You would never want me on that throne
My shit has no place there's no
room for me in those rose-blinding
rays and while the baby king might
show mercy instead of caprice
stern papa would shake his head for
pestering the baby
til he cries
nails tickling through his flesh in the
emptiness

Decorated with such deliberate masks of Russian
greatness, of human ambition
artistic strength
Lord Jesus Christ
Son of God,
have mercy on me,
a sinner
i can't see through the glass
and the pittering of my folly heart at
at the girl walking past i'm just tired
yes, it must be i'm tired
When I wake up promise you'll come back?
the accidental brush of my lips on her
cheek and that's for painting
this dull ache of white light in the heavens
I want to feel today--I know I need
You Я не видел тебя эта
неделья but you showed up in
miraculous ways I think
I lack the heart or sleep to
truly see abre mis ojos
mi corazón my fog eyes died
in the overcast mind I've concocted
in the sin of a double-bind
post-modern doubting super-christian
what's left to prove but
everything, everything i
chase everything but You
cambiame guiame breathe
i wanna see i wanna say
that light is G-D (and not
the breaker box)

Cottonwood Snow

Steady pins of poplars holding up
water sky slurred blue raspberries
and cotton balls of cottonwoods
floating like falling snow on
Moscow woke up
in another world.

Strawberry Wednesday

Hello?
Excuse me,
yes.
I would like

a Strawberry Wednesday

with extra marshmallow creme
    on the clouds
A layer-cake sky
    to carry with me.

To split.

English Ivy

Tendrils twisting leviathan
The sun never sets and just keeps
growing to
Wherever yon set your grimy
shoots soon you take roots
Tsunami the pansies, the tulips tremble
with the other coloured folks in the garden
Twisting round python
She's got snakes in your ears
Sucking life out of the earth
and the coffers and the souls
All in the name of stately pay
And civilizing grace

And wot's this upstart away
cross the pond?
Another ivy plays its invisible hand
at the wand
We're regular thugs but our buttons
will outshine the sun
Gold amassed and we'll
take yours neighbor
We always need just a little more
Reaching empires reaching battle
The vines in the pool, they're up on the roof,
and unless you want to tear everything out
the ivy will not be gone soon

So,
make your whites
walk the plank
Reposses the lands for the poor
We'll be back soon you see
With our loans and our firms and our
cash and our words technology you
cannot escape, we've got all the
cards,
And you've planted our words in your hearts
when you bought your medusa tvs

You see with the eyes of the butler
in but outside
English Ivy Bourgeoise

We could burn down the house like the русскиs
But I don't think it'd change anything

Oh Ivy, how can we be changed?