I don't think God listens to me.

So...I don't think God listens to me.
Cuz I really want to be perfect, but I still mess up.
I told him I'm okay if I don't get recognition,
Expecting that it would come.
I've sacrificed and embraced times of poverty, thinking
From here "Things can only go up"
I've left behind everyone I loved,
Saying "he'll provide."
I've thrown myself around the globe, denied myself, denied, denied,
Thinking some day we would make it,
Some day there'll be security,
I just had to GET there right?
And if I walk in faith, I'll certainly find an audience for my art, a spouse to love, a community that adores me, and at least, ya know, one or two of the things I want.

And he says my weakness is perfect,
He calls me to worship, and rebukes my desire for glory.
He shows me the example of St. Francis, and reminds me "Blessed poor, blessed poor in Spirit."
At best, says he, I'll earn a place,
As a toilet cleaner of the Lord, someone who knows his place,
And did what he was told.
Life isn't safe, and I've begged for peace, but shrunk away from the Lord.   I've prayed and prayed for joy, keeping him at arms' length until he forks it over.

And the end of all our journeying, is to realize, that all this time, we've been looking for that place where we began.  All this time, I've asked "where to?"  "What next?"  And He's says "Let me go with you."  I say, "we'll see I guess, it depends if things get stressful." I ask for safety, joy, and peace, He repeatedly says "I am."   He scoffs at my scrabbling for love and attention, and isn't impressed at all.

I mean, I pray all the time "You are enough" but I don't really mean it.  What I really mean is, I like the gifts you give me, and they haven't run out so far.  And I'm still terrified of my freedom, I'm terrified of submission, I'm not sure I could relive the pains that we've been through.

I know now You're my only hope, but give me five minutes, I'll hedge my bets.  You're the one I've been looking for all this time, but I so often reject Your advances.  I want things to be safe, and not to have to worry.  You say "Okay, don't worry" and I know better than to know that this will be an easy journey.

What have I on earth but you?  What have I in heaven but you?  You are my only hope and only fear, more than enough, I repent, knowing that you are merciful and loving, and that my complaints are just whining when the source of everything I truly sought for, is right here, as at every minute of my life, only a prayer away.